ok it’s middle of december 2018 time to give commentary on all the things i wanted to achieve at the beginning of the year and see where God actually took me and how disappointing reality actually is LMAOOOOOOO

i honestly, regret, not blogging more regularly, honestly UGH. my dec 2018 comments are in BOLD.

things to do in 2018:

- continue serving in children’s ministry, hospitality, going to the orphanage and giving more generously this i actually do, i am still serving hospitality and children’s ministry at church BUT i slowed down on the regular monthly donations and i stopped visiting the orphanage, and i am not giving so generously anymore which i very much regret and now i will just transfer some money to them now… sorry that my eyes are just everywhere and have settled on materialistic gain once yet again

- be consistent with going to church / prayer group / meet sisters at least once a month i guess i’m gonna give excuses but this was also on and off, basically work got busy and i just ran away from God and like i haven’t made a consistent church group of friends or attended proper small group or anything. my church life is essentially inconsistent.

- continue BSF, at least finish romans study yeah i actually completed romans and i’m doing the people of god’s kingdom now, again, not going THAT regularly but i hope i can finish it as well. BSF is kinda hard work but i am trying to be consistent… 

- continue to read the Bible at least every week and be grateful for the gospel, focus on having faith and the Truth of the gospel instead of relying on things that don’t last i mean this is like a constant reminder in my life because every waking second i’m tempted by so much nonsense and being so discouraged by my current circumstances lol

- stay healthy - exercise/eat less, be responsible for my well being this is a joke because i haven’t cooked for like a year i literally eat take out everyday LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO last week, spent a whole week eating fried chicken. i mean, my five year plan is to die, so why not just live it up and die asap??? (i’m being sarcastic)

- find a new job / stay in shanghai? - or at least know a big more of what i want to do in the long run, going back to vancouver or not? trust God more with this well i just quit my job two weeks ago, but i have a two months notice. heading back to vancouver feb 25 i JUST bought my flight ticket today.

- read at least 10 books / maybe get a kindle i didn’t read 10 books LMAO NOT EVEN CLOSE HAHAHAHAHAHA MAYBE NOT EVEN ONE BOOK??? but yeah i also didn’t invest in a kindle. i guess i could??? maybe they’ll have some christmas sale. i’ll just buy one in canada. whatever i’m illiterate anyways. work ruined all possible interest and hobbies i have in life.

- visit minjung in seoul, visit sijie in 惠州、霞涌 this never happened due to i don’t talk to sijie and barely talk to minjung so that just shows my lack of effort in friendships though it is two way. i love them.

- see sean / liz saw liz in sept, saw sean in march and sept and nov and dec YEET YEET IT DONE

- visit tokyo NO THIS DIDNT HAPPEN LOL TOO EXPENSIVE

- visit at least 3 new countries (swiss, _? _?) LOL DIDNT HAPPEN WHY DID I SET MY GOAL SO HIGH OMG but i did visit many new places in CHINAAAAA like zhangjiajie, jindezheng, xiamen, chengdu, SZ/GZ, BJ, also going to visit Juliet’s HOMETOWN lol my travels are pretty exciting and i got to stay at luxury hotels so that’s THAT

- see my parents and lucie (either they come or i go back to vancouver to visit) yes saw my parents for CNY 2018, and saw lucie for two weeks in april 2018 it was all GOOD GOOD times

- complete at least 3 more paintings i guess i need to work on this coz i painted 0 paintings LMAOOOOOOOOOOO

i mean i’m just gonna write out how i feel God since my thoughts are so messy anyway. first thing burdening me is that guy from the orphanage who asked me to go bible study alone with him and i know it’s no big deal but he was asking me before if i’m interested to hang out or go to his church or attend my small group etc. i’m just gonna nip it at the bud, i am sorry God if it’s an opportunity for anything and i know it’s supposed to be like building each other up in Your scripture God but something about it just doesn’t feel right and i feel so uneasy and repulsed by this person even though he is someone You love. i’m just like not interested in getting to know him and i’m not looking for friendship like i know it’s such a shallow reason too. i just feel like i shouldn’t project my own negative prejudice onto this person because they’re actions have all been very positive and polite but at the same time, i think it’s intrusive and doing bible study in order to catch up is like manipulative because it’s like hard to reject. i just feel uncomfortable and not interested even though it is bible study. i don’t want to think too much, but i already am. and i even made up an excuse to cover it. i trust you God, i trust whatever you send my way will be good for me. prayed to you but i still feel so uneasy. how can i remove my biased thoughts and focus on hearing you? i was so impulsive i already rejected. i just feel so uneasy and uncomfortable. i can’t go through with it. i can’t take it God. i hope rejection is ok, i really want to serve you and be closer to you God and i don’t think that’s a pure way to do so in reading bible. it’s hard to fill my mind with holy and pure thoughts when i am annoyed and repulsed by that person… i guess that’s what i’m struggling with as well… just trying to be not so judgmental. it’s so hard. so i think, in my defense, the loving thing to do is not to miscommunicate any interest i have in this person, and yeah not even friendship, so yeah. i don’t want to hurt them in the long run so it’s better to just not start anything anyway.

my flaws are so magnified in my own perception of myself, seriously, like my awkward/shy/clumsy actions and i’m so big and tall too so it’s like really outstanding. i’m so annoyed and embarrassed at myself i don’t think i’ll ever be truly comfortable with myself. God thank you for teaching me to love myself because you loved me first and you created me!!!! i know. my maker is perfect. i await for the day you make me perfect when i can spend harmonious time with you Jesus. no more suffering no more crying no more waiting, just be in Your home.

my friends have been getting married and engaged and it’s like i’m just living the expat life and ignoring responsibilities even though everyone is walking their own journey and timeline but it still feels like i am fallin behind. i trust God in His plan. i hope i can get married someday with someone i love and respect, who can lead me in a marriage, who i am emotionally and physically attracted to. i hope that’s not too much to ask for God. but i don’t wanna be so desperate. and i don’t want marriage to be an idol in my life. so far i haven’t searched i am so shy and i haven’t met anyone i’m interested in. anyway, whatever it takes to be more Christlike i guess, whatever God thinks will help me more to grow in a good relationship with God. i am okay with it, please give me strength to accept my calling God. whatever it is.

it’s so easy to say!!!! like all these spiritual things!! but it’s so hard to love others and actually put it into action!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! patience!!!!!!! kindness!!!!!!!! all this is truly from GOD!!!! when God you actually give me a test i’m so… like… ok this is it i have to choose to obey you… and not find excuse to slack off…

at least old sins fade away and i can replace them with more pure things from God.